Madeline Willoughby Lester

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Monday August 11, 2008

"I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
Psalm 27:13&14

I have discovered something new about myself in the last month. I love hiking!! Totally, utterly, love hiking! It is in the midst of the woods, or standing on a mountain or next to a waterfall that I feel the closest to God . . . and to my Madeline. Since she is now totally in the presence of the Lord, when I feel closest to Him I also feel closest to her. And so I have now bought a "Hikes through Washington with Children" book and have been dragging my kids all around the area. As long as I have trail mix for the end, they will follow me anywhere! One of my greatest achievements of late has been climbing Mt. Dickerman with my high school girls Bible study. I must say, I was incredibly proud of myself of them too, but they are young and I am . . . well, not)! It took us 7 hours, but we did it!

The summer continues to ebb and flow. It has been odd. A few years ago I started a "parks list" for my friends and I for the summertime. It was a good excuse to get us mom's together, let the kids play, and no one's house gets trashed. This year was no exception for the list and so I threw one together in June. It's good to go and see some friends and watch the kids play . . . oh but it is so hard. My heart aches at every outing. Most of the time I am able to play it out and make good, but every now and then the tears just come and my loss feels so overwhelmingly huge. There's all the kids out playing and having fun - all but one and it hurts so bad that it had to be mine (not that I would ever wish this on anyone else's either). I hate being known as that woman "who's little girl just died". I can feel it all around me and for that reason I tend to avoid crowds these days. I hate being the "token griever". I hate being introduced to new people and not knowing how to answer the question of "how many children do you have?" Funny how that during all of Dave and I's years of infertility (6 years for those of you who don't know) I dreaded that question then too. And then there are still the really awkward situations of people who I know know that I just lost a child, but don't say anything to me. I can't tell you how much I truly appreciate the people that say, "tell me about Madeline". It may be the opening to floodgates but how I appreciate that open door to speak of the one my heart is aching for. Instead I am usually left arguing with myself about forgiving those that unintentionally hurt me and extending them grace. Stink. It's interesting to me how hard some of the simplest things are for me these days. Things that used to be "no brainer's" I just can't seem to get back into the groove of, like grocery shopping, cooking, or even just trying to be a friend - it all just seems so incredibly hard. I long for the day that I feel like myself again.

Dave's parents will be coming on Wednesday and we are all looking forward to seeing Gi and Pawpaw for a while. It will be so nice to have them here and the kids are truly excited. Everyday they wake up asking me, "Now how many days till they come?" Then in Sept. we will be going to Connecticut to visit my sisters and their families. It is so good to have these things to look forward to - I really need them. Dave and I have been trying to do a lot of work on the house this summer. As always, it's just good for us to stay busy and so we are. We been painting, pressure washing, digging, etc. etc. It feels good to see things that we've had on back burners for waaaaay too long get done. So even if I can't seem to get around to cooking, I can paint a wall or dig a trench. Go figure. Thank God for teriyaki to-go!

Monday September 1, 2008

Happy Labor Day!

Well it's just freezing here in Washington. I think summer got up and left about 2 weeks ago. I believe I can speak for all Washingtonians when I say we feel we were really cheated out of summer this year. A friend of mine who's a farmer said that all their crops are totally behind because of our lack of heat and sun (I began feeling better about my own garden's lack of appeal when she said that). I actually feel better about it being an atypical summer because in my heart it should be. So I won't complain too much. There's nothing worse than an absolutely gorgeous wonderful warm sunny day, and you're sad. It just seems wrong. So good of God to oblige me in my season.

We have been meaning to update this so we could bring everyone up to speed, but it's been hard to figure out what to say and how to say it. I think I'll just put it out there and if it's not eloquent, well, then it's just not:

About a year ago Dave and I applied for life insurance. At that time I failed the blood test because of elevated liver enzymes. I was supposed to go back and get it checked out but that was about 2 weeks before we left with Maddie for her surgery and it was really at the very back of my priorities list. Well, fast forward a year and I finally went in to check it out about 2 months ago. Since that time I've started going to a GI specialist and then about 3 weeks ago had a liver biopsy. We got the results back last week. It was both good and bad news. The bad being that I have an autoimmune disease called Primary Billiary Cirrhosis. It is a disease of the liver in which the small bile ducts eventually quit working. Because it is considered an autoimmune disease it has some other little side effects and complications (things like hypothyroidism and Reynaud's - both of which I have). The good news is that it is in the early stages and the hope is that with going on a bile replacement we will postpone the inevitable liver transplant for a long time. So there you go, no more wine with dinner and I will continue to have white fingers. I was telling a friend a few days ago that really I'm ok with it. It's a bummer, but once you watch your child die the rest of this stuff just doesn't matter. My Bible study gals know that my life verse these days is, "to live is Christ to die is gain" - and I truly mean that. If it weren't for my family I would really be hoping that it were more advanced. However, I love them all so dearly and I love this thing called life no matter how whacked out it can be sometimes. So that is the scoop. Only time will tell what this ole body of mine will do in the coming days and years (as it is for all of us). May it be used for God's glory alone.

HOME

We have so much we want to say to everyone, so many thanks, so many stories to tell, so many miracles to report, not just in Madeline's life, but in the lives of the families that surrounded us. So many people have commented on the strength of our family during this ordeal. "What a testimony of faith you have been to each of us." "You have to be the strongest parents I know." "We've been touched by your walk of faith." "You are truly an inspiration to others." Perhaps the greatest thanks we can give is the revelation of where our strength comes from. Most of you already know this, but just in case there is any doubt, the foundation of our strength is not technology or medical wonders or positive energy or karma or the way the stars are aligned. Our strength comes from the hope we have in eternal life through Christ Jesus. You may be thinking just now, "Is Dave really going to exploit Madeline by an attempt at evangelism?" You bet I am. What is your source of hope if not in the creator of all things? No, we are not strong at all. We do not rely on God to give us strength, but rather to be our strength for us. Frankly, I think the strongest ones are those who face circumstances like this without God. I do not know how it is possible. You are the audience to whom this is offered.

I am not asking anyone to have 'blind faith.' I certainly do not. Someone once said, "Faith is not stumbling in the dark. It is walking to the edge of all the light you have, and taking one more step." I believe the bible to be the inspired word of God and a historically accurate account of the life of Jesus. Consider what it says:

"All" includes you, me, The Pope, Billy Graham, Mother Theresa, Moses, all of Jesus' disciples, your neighbor, your neighbor's neighbor and everyone else in the history of humanity. Because of Adam's sin, we have all inherited a sin nature. You may not think that is fair (I struggle with it), but it cannot be denied. There is no one 'good enough' for God.

Romans 6:23
"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."

God is just. The punishment for sin is death. However, He is also gracious and provided a savior.

John 3:3,5
"I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again." "I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit."

Jesus makes it very clear that we are all born into this world with a propensity to sin, and with that alone we are lost.

John 14:6
". . . I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

Acts 4:12
"Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven, given to men by which we must be saved."

This is the tricky part. I know this rubs folks the wrong way, but there is no disguising the truth. All roads do not lead to heaven. All religions are not the same. If you blindfolded a hundred people, spun them around and asked them to point north, you would probably find one hundred arms pointing in one hundred different directions. It wouldn't really matter which way they pointed, or who was closer, there would still be only one true north. So it is with salvation. Jesus said it Himself. In fact, of all religions He is the only one to stake this claim.

How can you be sure? How can you be saved? How can you overcome death? Healthy living? No. Wealthy living? No. Doing more good than bad? No. The instructions are simple.

Romans 10:9
"That if you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved."

1 John 5:11-12
"And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his son. He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life."

Revelations 3:20
"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me."

God does not crash through your front door and drag you into salvation. Rather each of us has the freewill to do as we please. God seeks us all out, and waits patiently for our response.

2 Corinthians 5:17
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come."

God wants to eradicate sin from our lives. When we place our faith and trust in Him and repent of our sins, our history of sin is erased. God then dwells in our hearts. This is what it means to be born again.

So no matter what your station in life may be, whether you are the butcher, the baker or candlestick maker, it is a temporary assignment. Even a healthy, four chamber heart will not sustain you forever. Medical miracles may delay the inevitable, but all the medicine and surgery in the world cannot promise you eternity. Only through the blood of Jesus Christ are we saved. It is so simple. It is so easy. Best of all, you cannot earn it. It is free. That is why it is called a gift.